Re: To Wives: Before you Were “Mommy”

Stock photo, not me. ;)

Stock photo, not me. 😉

 

This is a response to another blog and blogger titled “scissortail silk.” You can find her article, and please do so, here. Be forewarned, some use of strong language and criticism to follow.

We researched together, shopped together and made every choice surrounding the arrival of our new baby together. I’m talking right on down to the discussion of which wipes would represent the Thompson household.

I opened this blog article with open arms, ready to hear some insight into relationships and wisdom pertaining to motherhood and marriage. With such an easily connectable hook, I had to continue reading. I smiled at the shared experience of the “doing everything together” aspect of relationships. Even before parenthood, many giddy new-couples experience this and many a older couple still practice as a reality of togetherness. It can be fun to do things in pairs, and to glean opinions from another concerning choices affecting the household you both share.

So, I delved in expecting another bullet-point blog of things a couple should not forget while the wear and tear of parenthood drains them of their romantic energies. I could already see most of them in my mind’s memory, but every perspective and individual experience sheds new light and wisdom onto something countless couples experience. So, I continued reading….

Until, something started feeling wrong. Not in the message. Not in the words. It was deeper than that.

It started here:

Ladies, there will come a day when your husband walks in the door and you do not turn around. You will be preoccupied with filling up sippy cups and wiping booties. You will shout over the running bath water….

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something felt off. I shrugged it off and nodded along with the general message that many of these blogs towards new parents presses: Don’t forget each other when it gets hectic. I’ve already seen many of my friends and co-workers go through the sleeplessness of baby-toddler reeling. I had seen what the 3am feedings can do, it can be slightly repelling to a child-less woman not presently in the “last egg” days quite yet.

Ladies, there will come a day when you spend every last ounce of yourselves on your children. The demands of life and the babies will come before any other priority. What little of yourself you have left at the end of the day will be used to crawl into bed before someone is awake to need you again.

There it was again. I tilted my head to the side as I read this and thought good and hard. I read and gleaned through the last of the article until certain words, phrases, and inbetween-lines started to pop out:

The husband that once completed your heart….

When you arrive home after meeting the demands of work, you will be expected to meet the demands of your family…

Remember that you are his wife….

Men, remember your bride. The care and love that she has given you will soon be spilled over to your children.

Repeating over and over again…. what is that? What is that feeling deep down in my stomach…? That itching against the inside of my skull?

Oh right.

I’m a fucking baby machine. Right? I cook, clean, and stay the fuck at home where I belong while my husband goes to work to provide for our family that is apparently trapped in the fucking 1940’s.

You know what WAS repeating over and over again in this article to the female reader? Two labels: Mother, and wife. There is something horridly wrong in that dichotomy. I do believe I am a woman and a human being as well, and am more than my vagina and my uterus.

I am absolutely baffled that this article speaks to the pre-child woman with such prophetic words, as if all women are going to be stay at home moms with husbands that work full time. I had to scroll up and make absolutely sure that this blog was written in 2014 because I could not believe it.

I have nothing against women who do this, nor would I ever tell a women what to do with their life. It’s theirs is to chose. Work, don’t work. Get married, don’t. I really don’t care. I would honestly hope that you remember that you have a mind of your own and that you are more than just a mom to your children, but I understand the demands get hard and if it makes you happy and fulfilled, by all means do it and do it hard.

BUT

This is not real life for the majority of women in our world today. More power to the women who become full-time stay at home moms,if that is their choosing. But… it’s not real life. Not anymore. Not today.

And that’s not a bad thing! It’s fantastic that a man can walk out on a woman when he gets her pregnant, and her be ok. It sucks, and he’s a dick, sure – but she doesn’t have to move in with her parents for the rest of her life with no hope of anything. She has hope.

Without being too overly verbose with where this is going: A woman can do things with herself other than get hitched, and get knocked up. I do not at all get the feeling that this blogger understand this, and that is what was itching against the inside of my skull.

The, of course, there was this:

“Let the Lord lead you both together. Because when the days are endless and the hours short, it will only be His love who keeps you together. It will only be His mercy that gently guides your hearts as one. Hold tightly to one another, and even more tightly to the Lord.”

Forgive me but… (or don’t, I really don’t care) I fucking knew it. This just had to be one of those conservative Christian type articles, didn’t it?
Sigh.

It’s times and articles like these, Scissortail Silk, that absolutely disgust and repel women away from religion and send us running for the hills. This is repulsive in every sense of the word to us Godless ladies. I hope you can see that. I don’t judge your life-choice, even though it makes me physically ill to my stomach, it’s yours to chose. Just… understand that it makes most real-life women want to stab themselves in the eye socket with a dull pencil.

No, we do not need God or religion or baby Jesus to have a loving, working, openly-communicating relationship. Mine has been going just fine without all that stuff. We’re actually operating worlds better than the marriage I had back when I was a born-again Christian. And the sex before marriage is just fantastic, really and truly.

I could offer multiple varying paradigms for parenthood and marriage/relationships that do not include God or the whole mommy-stay-home-all-day thing, that work for many couples. They’re all quite happy and functioning. I applaud the actual message of your article: Don’t forget each other. But everything else? Is not universally applicable. It only applies to those who agree with your life-choices. I do not

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4 thoughts on “Re: To Wives: Before you Were “Mommy”

  1. Well said, very interesting read. There are many of us who think the same, its a shame that societal brainwashing goes along the lines of influencing women to get married and have children as part of being accepted and respected. More stupid is when people see you success and tell you, oh boy no man will ever choose you as your too independent, how illogical and inane is that?
    Keep writing and keep inspiring us!

  2. Anything written that has ”Christianity” or some derivative in the article will eventually lead to stuff like this.

    I just get tired of reading such nonsense and am amazed that there really are women out there who still think and behave in this manner.

  3. Wow, someone woke up on the feminist side of the bed this morning didn’t you? The article never says “this is the path of every women” or “you are less of a woman if you are not barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen”. This article was speaking to a certain family type, the “traditional” family model. I am sorry if you have feelings of guilt for not being this type of woman but never in the article did this lady degrade you or any other type of family model. She just put out some supportive loving advice for those who fit this model. Why is it that you feel you need to be on the attack? Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Or is it that you have feeling of abandonment of a child because you are so focused on yourself that your children are being raised by day care workers? I know, I know I am a man and I am just trying to put down the woman. Whatever the cause for your bitterness and aggressiveness I hope you find peace sometime in your life.

    • Your welcome to your opinions and the freedom of sharing them.

      We seem to disagree. And that’s OK. 🙂 Thanks for reading at least, and for the well wishes of peace. Don’t have to worry though, I got it just fine.

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